our cab driver is having phone sex.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
