Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
