My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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