I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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