Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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