so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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