why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
