giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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