take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
zippers are such a cool invention
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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