Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
