whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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