after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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