she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
