Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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