We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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