I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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