dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
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