I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
