Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
