I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Found your dick twin last night
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
