theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
