I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
