we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
