Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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