He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
