Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
4 words: hood of his car
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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