happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
