I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
