sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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