You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
