All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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