I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
