My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
