alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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