true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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