apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
