Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
