The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
