fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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