evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
