apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
