These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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