had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
