your room smells of hookers.
And success
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
