why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
