Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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