Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
