time to smoke my breakfast
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
