Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
