Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
