Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
