just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
